The paths which life takes us......

I've wanted to blog about some feelings I have been dealing with over the past while, but haven't been sure how to go about it. It may make some people upset, or hurt, or confuse others. However, writing is sometimes therapeutic for me and so, if I do offend or confuse anyone, I am sorry, But I need to release somehow. Somethings I will not go into in much detail as they are personal and still very sensitive and those may come out at some later date, who knows.

My sweet boy is asleep, and hopefully will stay so for at least a few more hours. He has not been doing very well in the sleep department as of late, especially at night. He just got over an ear infection and his first tooth FINALLY popped through 2 weeks ago. But I was hoping that by now he would be getting back to a more stable routine for sleep. Not happening! :( Perhaps it is that he is still teething and the 2nd tooth is trying to come up, or maybe it is all the changes going on around here lately that are affecting him more than I thought they would. He has done pretty good adjusting to living in a new place with a new bedroom. And now that I actually have him in his own room and not sleeping in the same room with me, has probably helped some and in other ways, I think he may have gotten use to having me there in the room with him. So when he wakes up and finds me not there, maybe he is not liking that. Also, all the emotional changes going on around him may be affecting him too. I am learning that little children are very in tune with the emotions of those around them and because of this, I have been trying very hard to control my emotions and my anxiety whenever he is around. I am a very anxious person so this has proven to be difficult at times. I try to talk to him and explain to him all that is happening, how I feel about it, how much I love him, adore and appreciate him. I know he is still young to really understand words, but I know that he understands emotions and expressions. It also helps me cope and get through a lot of what I am going through.

If you had asked me 4 years ago, where I thought my life would be at this point, my answer definitely would not be all this. It wasn't anywhere in my plans for my life. Of course, life never goes how we thought it would. Things happen, decisions take you down different paths than you thought they would. It is kind of funny, where I am at in my life right now, and the trials and challenges I am facing, I never would have thought that I would ever have to deal with. It wasn't what I had signed up for, or so I thought. And even though it is very difficult right now and the decisions and changes I am making and will be making in the near future and so forth, I don't think I would change any of the past.  Even though it is very painful right now (there are some that would probably say otherwise, but to them I say, you have no idea what pain and sorrow has passed through my mind and heart and still is, so don't judge.) I have learned many things about myself, family, relationships, and most importantly, my own individual and divine worth and Heavenly Father's love for me and His Plan for all his children.

When I found out I was pregnant with Elliot, I was completely overjoyed and excited, but very scared too. It was a dream come true to finally be realizing  the dream and desire to be a mother. But our situation wasn't the best at the time, financially and in other ways too, and the pregnancy was a surprise. I often stressed myself out thinking about how we were going to be able to do this. But I knew it would be okay. Although it has turned out to be a different okay, than I thought. Having Elliot has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is truly a special little boy that I KNOW was meant for me. I was meant to be his mother and he was meant to be my child. He has been my angel, my rock, my little miracle. Some days I am so overwhelmed with all the challenges I am facing, but knowing I have him to come home to and take care of and love and have him love me and need me, is what gets me through every day. One day in particular was VERY difficult for me. I just broke down and was crying on my mom's shoulder. My sister was also there and was holding Elliot. Elliot reached for my face and had this intense look in his eyes that just showed so much love. His eyes seemed to say "Sorry for your pain mommy, but it will be okay. I love you" I know that he was meant to come when he did, to help me through this trial, and more that I am sure will come. I don't think I would be able to make it through all this without him.



I am so grateful for a loving and supportive family, friends, and ward. For my son, who is my everything and I can't imagine going through life without him. Most importantly, I am so grateful for a loving and understanding Heavenly Father, who loves us no matter how stupid we can be and no matter what mistakes we may have made and will continue to make. He is always there for us, all we need to do is ask and listen.