Grumble... grumble.... ramble... RRRRRR!

Okay, so the title of this post is a bit weird, I know. But I wasn't sure what to call it when I know this post is most likely going to be somewhat of a venting, rambling, frustrating release. Hopefully some good comes of it, if not just to help me release some frustration and fear so I don't keep it bottled up inside, which I have learned is not good for me. Or anybody really.

I am being reminded more and more these days that there are just some people in my life that I just can't really trust or depend on. The things I have asked of them isn't much, at least I don't think it is much. Especially when I think of what I would really like to ask of them, but don't, knowing that it would be pointless to do so. It makes me so mad, and hurt, to know that some people just don't care enough to be honest, caring, dependable people and to do what they say they are going to do! Or to stay committed to their responsibilities. Okay, now some who know me, may say that I have fallen into that category at times. And yes it is true, there are times when I have been just what I am complaining about now. But I realize that and am really trying to NOT do it, and I believe I am getting better at that. But why do people insist on being that kind of a person? Maybe they do not see it that way. Or maybe they are too caught up in themselves and their own personal struggles or agendas. I don't know. I have always been somewhat of an independent person, and the thought of having to trust and rely on somebody else for things really causes me anxiety. I've always wanted to do things for myself, and have always struggled with asking for help when I truly  needed it. So when people do let me down, it just proves to me even more that I can't trust anybody and makes it even harder for me to ask for help the next time. Which in turn causes even more stress and anxiety for me because it just festers and I stress out trying to come up with a solution on my own. I don't want to take advantage of people. I know I have been guilty of that at times in the past, but, like I said before, I am really trying to NOT do that.  I am also trying to learn how to ask for help and to accept help when offered, because, honestly, I really do need it right now. It has been hard, but I am grateful for the progress I have made in that. Plus it gives other people the opportunity to serve, and if the situations were reversed,  I would want to be given the opportunity to help out someone else. And I pray that someday I will be and can.

On the flip side, I have also discovered through the past few months some real genuinely caring people. Some who don't really even know me. They may know of me, or know my family, but not me, and they are still willing to reach out and help. For these people I am truly and eternally grateful. They have helped me through the first steps of some very trying times. I am also grateful for my Relief Society presidency in my ward, for being so in tune with the spirit and knowing just when I needed a visit, or who to assign as my visiting teachers. I grew up in this ward, and even though there are many people no longer in the ward, the few that remain have been comforting to come back to. And even though I know I would love and care for whoever was assigned as my visiting teachers and they me, I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of me and my needs and has given me visiting teachers who I know VERY well and completely trust and love. Which is exactly what I needed at this time.