The end, and maybe a new beginning......someday

It is over. Finished. I am now a single mom. The fact that I can officially say that phrase makes me want to crawl in a corner and cry forever. This is not how I ever envisioned my life being. I found out in a pretty rotten way too. I was told by the court clerk that as I was the petitioner, I would have to call the court and check the status, that they couldn't tell Nate anything if he called. Well, either they were wrong, or someone at the court today didn't follow procedure, or someone pretended to be me. Anyway, Nate called me at work and told me that he had called the court to find out the status and that they told him that the judge had just signed off on the divorce. This was not how I was supposed to find out. So I called the court to check myself. Yep, they were signed. But how did Nate find out? According to what I have been told by the court clerk, my sister-in-law who is a legal secretary, and a couple friends who have been through this process before, that he shouldn't be able to find out. The notification goes through the petitioner, not respondent! When I was talking to Nate, I half jokingly told him that he had just been itching for it to be over so that he could officially and openly date this girl that he has been "hanging out" with and really liked. He said it wasn't like that. Yeah right! Then I told  him that it just is kind of painful to know that the ink isn't even dry yet and he is a free man to go out  with her tonight, which is what I know he has been aching to do! But he won't admit it. He told me that he had a movie screening to go to tonight and that he wouldn't have time to go out with her for a few days at least. I didn't really believe him, but I wanted to.Well, I hope she can see through him sooner than I did. We talked a little more, mostly about figuring out a time to get together to talk about stuff concerning Elliot. I hope that we can work through this enough to be able to be casual friends and civil so we can co-parent Elliot. But I have my doubts. He is yet to show much effort on his part in being a dad. Most the time he sees Elliot it is because I have called him and asked when he wanted to see him. And his answers have always been well, I have this such and such day and this, that day, and oh I don't know, Sunday I guess. But than because of our church schedules being opposite, Elliot ends up not going to church. I know he is still young, but he can feel the spirit there and it sets an example and I know that it will influence him in a very good way. And if it isn't me asking when he wants to see Elliot it is Nate's mom calling and asking if Elliot could come over. I don't want to withhold Elliot from any of them, and legally I can't withhold him from Nate. But I want Nate to initiate the time spent with his son. I want Nate to want to be a good dad and play and bond with his son. I have told him this, he says he will do better. We'll see. So what now? I have no idea. I want to move on, get past all the hurt from the past few years. It will be difficult. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust anybody again with my heart. I feel like through the last few years I have had my heart slowly sucked out by lies, hurtful and mean words and treatment. I don't wish that on anybody. I know Nate has some disabilities that explain a lot of his behavior. That DOES NOT excuse it in anyway at ALL! But due to a recent diagnosis, we now understand a little better why he did certain things and acted certain ways. Believe me, I am not trying to excuse any of it, because it still wasn't right. But at least there are some answers. And he is getting the help I wish he could have gotten years ago, than perhaps none of this would have happened. But who is to know for sure. It just sucks that I had to be the "guinea pig" and go through the hell I went through and that Nate went through himself and caused, in order for him to get the answers. I hope and pray that he can move forward and change for the better. For his sake, Elliot's and Nate's family. But enough of dwelling on the past and the pain. I need to figure out where I go from here. I don't want to be alone forever, I don't want to raise Elliot alone. I want friends to do things with. And hopefully, before I'm too old and senile, find a man who loves me and  Elliot and treats me the way I deserve to be treated. But first I need to find some people to do things with to get me out of the house and a chance to meet people.