Developing Talents and improving on old ones

Last year I went with Nate's mom to her Relief Society mid-week meeting, where the Food Nanny came. It was a lot of fun. She is amazing! I bought one of her cookbooks and she even autographed it. Anyway, I hadn't tried any of her recipes from it until just over the past month or so. Every one of the recipes I've tried have been AMAZING!! I love cooking, but haven't done much of it for a long time. So I decided I need to do more of it so I don't lose the talent and knowledge I have received from my mom. She is also an amazing cook! Here is a picture of one of the recipes I made from The Food Nanny's book.

 

 So yummy! I don't have any pics of the other recipes I made, but they were also very tasty! I am also trying to develop my sewing abilities. In high school I took clothing, but was awful at it. A couple years ago, I made an apron. Turned out pretty good, I was quite proud of myself. Than life got quite hectic with getting pregnant, the pregnancy, Elliot being born, etc, etc. That I didn't do much in that department until I saw a Patchwork Puppy pattern at my mom's store, My Sister's Quilts. And they were going to be holding a class on how to make it. So I signed up and made a puppy for Elliot for his first birthday.

He loves it! It turned out so cute, was fairly easy, and I really enjoyed doing it. So I wanted to make one for Nate's 2 nieces, Elizabeth and Olivia. They look fairly similar as they are made from the same material, but I did some things with them and added my own touches to them to make them different.

They turned out so cute! I can't wait for them to open them tomorrow! I hope they like them.

The end, and maybe a new beginning......someday

It is over. Finished. I am now a single mom. The fact that I can officially say that phrase makes me want to crawl in a corner and cry forever. This is not how I ever envisioned my life being. I found out in a pretty rotten way too. I was told by the court clerk that as I was the petitioner, I would have to call the court and check the status, that they couldn't tell Nate anything if he called. Well, either they were wrong, or someone at the court today didn't follow procedure, or someone pretended to be me. Anyway, Nate called me at work and told me that he had called the court to find out the status and that they told him that the judge had just signed off on the divorce. This was not how I was supposed to find out. So I called the court to check myself. Yep, they were signed. But how did Nate find out? According to what I have been told by the court clerk, my sister-in-law who is a legal secretary, and a couple friends who have been through this process before, that he shouldn't be able to find out. The notification goes through the petitioner, not respondent! When I was talking to Nate, I half jokingly told him that he had just been itching for it to be over so that he could officially and openly date this girl that he has been "hanging out" with and really liked. He said it wasn't like that. Yeah right! Then I told  him that it just is kind of painful to know that the ink isn't even dry yet and he is a free man to go out  with her tonight, which is what I know he has been aching to do! But he won't admit it. He told me that he had a movie screening to go to tonight and that he wouldn't have time to go out with her for a few days at least. I didn't really believe him, but I wanted to.Well, I hope she can see through him sooner than I did. We talked a little more, mostly about figuring out a time to get together to talk about stuff concerning Elliot. I hope that we can work through this enough to be able to be casual friends and civil so we can co-parent Elliot. But I have my doubts. He is yet to show much effort on his part in being a dad. Most the time he sees Elliot it is because I have called him and asked when he wanted to see him. And his answers have always been well, I have this such and such day and this, that day, and oh I don't know, Sunday I guess. But than because of our church schedules being opposite, Elliot ends up not going to church. I know he is still young, but he can feel the spirit there and it sets an example and I know that it will influence him in a very good way. And if it isn't me asking when he wants to see Elliot it is Nate's mom calling and asking if Elliot could come over. I don't want to withhold Elliot from any of them, and legally I can't withhold him from Nate. But I want Nate to initiate the time spent with his son. I want Nate to want to be a good dad and play and bond with his son. I have told him this, he says he will do better. We'll see. So what now? I have no idea. I want to move on, get past all the hurt from the past few years. It will be difficult. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust anybody again with my heart. I feel like through the last few years I have had my heart slowly sucked out by lies, hurtful and mean words and treatment. I don't wish that on anybody. I know Nate has some disabilities that explain a lot of his behavior. That DOES NOT excuse it in anyway at ALL! But due to a recent diagnosis, we now understand a little better why he did certain things and acted certain ways. Believe me, I am not trying to excuse any of it, because it still wasn't right. But at least there are some answers. And he is getting the help I wish he could have gotten years ago, than perhaps none of this would have happened. But who is to know for sure. It just sucks that I had to be the "guinea pig" and go through the hell I went through and that Nate went through himself and caused, in order for him to get the answers. I hope and pray that he can move forward and change for the better. For his sake, Elliot's and Nate's family. But enough of dwelling on the past and the pain. I need to figure out where I go from here. I don't want to be alone forever, I don't want to raise Elliot alone. I want friends to do things with. And hopefully, before I'm too old and senile, find a man who loves me and  Elliot and treats me the way I deserve to be treated. But first I need to find some people to do things with to get me out of the house and a chance to meet people.

Apologies and Gratitude

I want to apologize to any of you who have been around me the past few weeks, well actually I could extend that to months. Anyway, I have been in a pretty bad funk. I have been hurting for a long time and in that I have been dwelling in my own sadness and mistakes, wishing things could be different. I was even seriously contemplating skipping Christmas all together. I know, I have got to be in a pretty bad place to want to forget Christmas!! But over the past few days, ( and a night or two of finally getting some good sleep thanks to my mom for practically forcing me to take some sleeping pills), I have been able to get my mind and heart into a better place. A few things have happened over the past few days that have really contributed to the beginning of this turn for me.

1. My work tries to do a service project every December to tie into our Christmas season and Christmas party. This year we are making Christmas cards to send to soldiers, their families, and veterans. It really got me thinking, that even though my "family" is now different than what I had wanted, at least I still have family around. I have Elliot, I'm still good friends with Nate, so I haven't lost him out of my life completely. I have my parents, siblings, extended family. All who care about me. There are a lot of soldiers who are away from their families right now serving Our Country so that I can have the freedom to be able to spend time with family and celebrate how I want. There are many families of soldiers who will never see their father, mother, son, daughter, spouse, etc. in this life again. The holidays have got to be real tough for them. And the veterans, a lot of them are alone too, or struggling. I truly am really blessed.

2. My visiting teaching partner & I are pretty notorious for waiting until the end of the month. This month, no exception. It was my turn to prepare the lesson. This week has been a bit of a struggle for me and I forgot until yesterday afternoon that I needed to find a lesson. The visiting teaching lessons come from the Ensign every month. As this months Ensign was the General Conference edition, there was no specific lesson for VT. So we get to chose from the Conference talks. Looking through, the first one that really popped out to me was Robert D Hales talk from the Sunday morning session of conference, "Waiting upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done".  You can read or listen to it here .  It is was something I definitely needed to hear. After reading it and teaching the lesson last night. I felt more comfort than I have in a while. It is really a great talk. Something I definitely need to work on.

Now, this doesn't mean everything is okay. Do I still wish things were different, that I had done things differently? You bet! I still cry at night when I'm alone in my room, but this is helping. I need to put my faith in Him, and move forward the best I know how and realize that things happen for a reason. And that good will come out of it some day and some day I will look back and see how this led me to be the person I needed to be and to where He wanted me to be. I am a very anxious person. I like to at least see a bit of the path in front of me or have a glimpse of what is ahead. I like to have a plan and know or have an idea of where that plan is going to take me. Just stepping out into the darkened path is terrifying to me. I like to be in control (not controlling) and to trust someone else with what lies ahead is very hard for me. But I am slowly learning.